he breeding ground for alcoholics, drug addicts and wicked hazing can all be attributed to the greatest four-year vacation of your life: COLLEGE. If you think that’s a bad thing, go fuck yourself. Let’s face it, when you walk into the real world in a few years, life’s going to blow. Whoever invented the concept of four transitional years of partying and sporadic studying is probably the biggest bro-hero known to man. Four years? Fuck no. Let’s make it five, six or seven. The life of a professional student serves a very crucial role in society: it causes jealousy. Those with nine-to-five jobs jerk it under the table in envy of those still tapping kegs, hazing pledges and getting laid. Marriage? I, the PledgeMaster, take College to be my lawfully wedded wife. And I’m going to ride her as long as life allows me to.

Every damn kid walking around is in the same exact situation as you. No ones cares if you’re rich, no one cares if you’re smart; they merely care about your ability to shotgun a PBR. While I’d love to profess the maturity of a drama-free campus, I must rejoice in the opposition. Go ahead, mix a few thousand sorority girls with horny frat stars and an unlimited bar tab. Drama is the fairest result of that mixture, let alone handcuffs, piles of puke and child support. But hey, drama makes the world go round. If Bobby never let his closest bro know about his easy lay last night with Stacey, then the entire frat would be missing out on easy sex for the entire year. I mean, if it wasn’t for drama, then sluts and whores would never be known. Now that would be a pity.

Whether you’re molding your college years around Animal House, or cramming formulas into your brain for some fucked up reason, college is the shit. No more mommy and daddy, and no more curfew. Fake-ID’s are a commonplace, and surviving a year without an arrest is the newest medal awarded to those who beat the system. Feel free to get jacked— hit the gym as much as you can. You can watch tits bounce up and down on the treadmills for a few hours, or try your hand at a quality beer belly while scheming on the hot blonde at the bar. The options are endless, and life is fucking great.

When your time comes, enjoy every fucking moment. Study as little as possible, but don’t fucking fail out. The more you get turned down, the more you’ll get laid. Take a statistics class jackass, you’ll learn your chances. Party hard and fuck harder. Haze your pledges, prank your friends and congratulate yourself for not remembering the night before. Here’s to College, the greatest lay of a lifetime.